The ringing in my head

If you call my home phone, you are going to get voice mail. The house phone has become an ancient relic due to everyone using their cell phones. I’m seriously leaning toward getting rid of it because:

• 95% of the calls are telemarketers
• Usually the handsets are dead and lost in the couch

Incoming messages

This is the voice mail message I wish I could create:

I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m busy unstopping a toilet for the 3rd time today and my dog just threw up.
If you are a telemarketer, I appreciate your dedication to the job as you have been attempting to contact me 4 times a day for the last six months, but can’t you take a hint? I have caller ID and will never pick up the phone. Don’t make me answer it and hand it to my little girl who will sing Lady Gaga songs until you go away. I have no money to donate as I am currently undergoing counseling for distress caused by a constant phone ringing noise that is all your fault. Please leave me your home phone number so I can call you at dinner time to discuss medical reimbursement options.

If you are calling for one of my children, please text their cells. I’m pretty sure they don’t know how to answer a phone, since they never pick up when I call. This explains why they are coming to school in clothes that don’t fit since they ignored my call from the store when I needed to know the size. According to the data usage on my bill they are currently texting half of the population of the US, so if you don’t have the number, I’m sorry to inform you that you didn’t make the cut.

If you are the annoying friend that calls 10 times in a row if no one answers, I’m really disliking you at the moment because you woke up the baby from a rare monthly nap and my blissful peace has been disrupted. Please talk to your mother about phone etiquette and come over immediately to babysit.

If you are friends with my daughter, please be aware that her cell phone is taken away on a daily basis, and I don’t appreciate hearing the “da da ding” every 2 minutes as you frantically try to get in touch with her via text. When she does have her phone, it is like an extra appendage and she would be responding. Don’t make me text you back at 1am and lecture you on why you should be sleeping at this hour and how you are interrupting my five hours of beauty rest which may result in my scaring some small children at the bus stop this morning.

If you are calling me, call my cell phone. If I’m not in the middle of playing Diner Dash or posting goofy pictures to Facebook, I might answer. If you are my child’s school nurse notifying me that someone is faking sickness to come home, please inform them that I have a lot of cleaning to do. I have a feeling the illness will quickly disappear and P.E. will look more attractive.

That won’t fit

I can’t say all that in 10 seconds, so I think I will just leave “If you are interested in contacting anyone in this household, please go to http:// for instructions.”